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Coffee Wars 9: Call For Beans

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  • Coffee Wars 9: Call For Beans

    From our fearless foolish Foofus:

    In addition to whatever other insanity flourishes at Defcon each
    year, the last eight years have been witness to the amazing and
    ridiculous contest known as CoffeeWars. This single ludicrous
    event is really two contests. The first, and most important, is
    the attempt to select the finest coffee from all of hacker culture.
    The second is the loopy part: to find the upper limit on how much
    coffee the staff can drink.

    Every year, we succeed at the first task. Every year, we fail at
    the second. Here is a useful list of key factors contributing to
    the outbreak of coffee wars throughout history:

    1 - because the Kona/JBM debate had to be settled
    2 - because once was not enough
    3 - because we went a little crazy
    4 - because people responded to our brand of crazy
    5 - because it is now an institution
    6 - because we're actually getting good at running it
    7 - because each year the competition gets more intense
    8 - because of popular demand
    9 - because you haven't yet had a chance to test your beans

    What's that, you say? You only recall eight coffee wars? And the
    list mentions a ninth? Very attentive of you, dear reader. The
    ninth coffee war will take place exactly when you would expect: on
    Friday, 8 Aug 2008, at the Riviera, at the opening of the con.

    The rules remain as few and as simple as we can manage:

    A. Whole coffee beans only: nothing ground, powdered,
    aerosolized, crystallized, liquified, etc. Just
    beans. If you submit something other than beans,
    it won't count as an entry.
    B. Unflavored beans only: we are trying to evaluate
    coffee, not somebody's science experiment. If you
    submit flavored coffee (and this includes stuff
    with chickory or for that matter any non-coffee
    ingredient), it won't' count as an entry.
    C. No decaf. Seriously, submitting decaf to Coffee
    Wars is like entering your Ford Granada* in the
    Indy 500-- it might technically be a car, and maybe
    it can actually complete a 500-mile distance, but
    it detracts from the whole experience for everyone.
    D. Time is critical. A coffee war lasts only a couple
    of hours, and it turns out there are limits on the
    intake capacity of the judges. If you wish to
    enter, you need to get your coffee to us at or
    before the opening of the contest area. If you
    want to get your coffee back, you need to make a
    plan for this when you submit it-- otherwise it
    will become part of the CoffeeWars legacy. [secret
    message to G Mark: it was agonizing having to turn
    away your entry last year solely because of timing]
    E. Volume is also important. We need to have enough
    coffee beans to brew two pots, plus have some beans
    left to pass around for inspection and smelling. 1/2
    lb is a good amount; less than 1/4 lb is probably
    not enough. If your coffee is really, really good,
    you probably should submit as much as possible...
    [secret message to G Mark: come on man, make with
    the Kona!]

    Hey, look! In the Defcon contest area! It's CoffeeWars! Grab your
    glocks and call the cops. Wait, no. That's what you're supposed to
    do when you see Tupac. When you see CoffeeWars, you are supposed to
    submit your best coffee beans for judgment, in the hope that you will
    be awarded a much-coveted prize, plus 3.5 seconds of loving from the
    crowd at the closing ceremony.

    What do you say? Is your coffee good enough to endure the blazing
    crucible of CoffeeWars 9? Will you join the previous eight winners
    in glory?

    Only one way to find out, friend. So mobilize your beans and enter.


    * If you have actually driven a Ford Granada, well, you know what we