Depression

[valkyrie]

Re: Depression

This is a wonderful post, thank you for sharing your thoughts, struggles, and determination.

I've had depression, of varying degrees, for most of my life. When I was a young teenager my mom took me to shrinks, put me on drugs, and claimed they had done miracles. I felt like maybe I had just grown better at hiding it, and perhaps the drugs helped more with my anger. Anger at life, anger at everything and everyone. I was a very angry, very upset person, who had no needs that weren't met, except perhaps someone who understood me and didn't want to fix me.

Hi there. Look me up at con if you are going. I am known as Valkyrie. I won't jolly you up, but will probably make you laugh. I would like to know you. And I promise not to tease you about your thighs. :-) Ask Render or one of the goons to point me out.

Regards,
Valkyrie

[GuloGuloDesu]

Re: Depression

I also often suffer from depression. I refuse to take meds for it though.
The way I usually pull myself out of my depression is I just focus on one thing, intently. I am rather OCD, so this can work out pretty well. This would also explain why I am so introverted. As when ever I go out into the world I just find more and more things that depress me, so I do my best to ignore everything around me.

I just feel so helpless in the real world, so I dive into my own world (computers) and I work and learn as best as I can. My issue comes that once the depression hits it takes everything away. I just feel like a bump on a log, I don't want to do anything. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't read, I just sit there and stare off into space. It is a horrible feeling.

Defcon is one of the few places I feel like I can go out and deal with people. You guys are my family, you understand me, and all of my issues evaporate when I am at Defcon. After spending a week in Vegas with everyone I come back on an intellectual high that usually lasts for a couple of weeks. I am on top of the world. But eventually the real world seeps back in, and everything somes to a crashing halt.

Thank you renderman for coming out with this. We're family, and we can and will bond together to over come these issues. It just takes time and a support group, and I can't think of a better support group.

[Matir]

Re: Depression

I just found this thread, and I'm glad RenderMan posted it -- I sure wouldn't have had the balls to post it. I've suffered from depression and anxiety disorder for about the last 15 years, and it has left me really disappointed with where my life is. About the only person who knows about is my wife (and I'm still not sure how I actually managed to get married 3 years ago...).

My anxiety includes strong social anxiety, which has led to me having very few friends (especially since moving across the country 18 months ago), which has only deepened my depression. I had hoped to be able to meet new people at DC20 (my first DEFCON) but couldn't force myself out of my anxiety enough to do that. I've been trying to tell myself I'll do better this year, but somehow, I suspect I'll still fail. As much as I'd like to meet new people, my anxiety has me so self-conscious that I hardly talk to anyone.

If it wasn't enough, my anxiety has led to me "self medicating" via food. For whatever reason, eating is one of the few things that makes me feel good, and that's led to weight gain and physical health problems. The weight, of course, makes me more self-conscious, more depressed, and more anxious in social situations. At this point, I'm in a vicious cycle. It's my hope I'll break it before it actually kills me, but it's anyone guess if I will.

Thanks again RenderMan -- if you've helped one person, you've done an amazing thing.

[the_lord_canon]

Re: Depression

Hey brother,

This is a brave thing to share. I have been fighting depression for many years. My wife just recently made me go to the VA and get meds. We are told by so many people that happiness is a state of mind, and we should just suck it up. Under this guidance I refused to admit I had a problem. I was ashamed of my "weakness". But ignoring it, being ashamed of it, and living in denial only made the problem worse. It nearly destroyed my marriage, made my kids hate me, and affected some many other parts of my life. So I know what you are going through brother, and you are in my thoughts. Thanks for courageously sharing.

[renderman]

Re: Depression

Quick update.

Meds are helping take the edge off. I've been a bit more productive, but far from my usual pace for pre-con. Still feeling haunted though. Think this year at con will be reconnecting with my roots and my friends, the original things I loved about cons.

Like I said, I hope that starting the discussion has helped others realize that the stigma associated with mental illness is stupid and that we as hackers need to confront what seems to be an affliction that hits our group disproprtionatly.

I plan to be at Amber Baldet's talk on suicide and harm reduction: https://www.defcon.org/html/defcon-2...rs.html#Baldet I'd hope that even if you are not suffering, that you attend to learn how to help others in the community that are.

See you at con

[blauman]

Re: Depression

Renderman I am glad meds are helping you, I know very well the struggle you go through I suffer from depression too, I had survived it for eons, surely there are days when darkness move in and sweep me away in its evil tide, but I am still standing, there is too much work to do even if I am not the most trusted to do it I am one of the few that sees the big picture and knows the details of it, I do the best as I am allowed to do it.
I will look for you at the con

Quick update.

Meds are helping take the edge off. I've been a bit more productive, but far from my usual pace for pre-con. Still feeling haunted though. Think this year at con will be reconnecting with my roots and my friends, the original things I loved about cons.

Like I said, I hope that starting the discussion has helped others realize that the stigma associated with mental illness is stupid and that we as hackers need to confront what seems to be an affliction that hits our group disproprtionatly.

I plan to be at Amber Baldet's talk on suicide and harm reduction: https://www.defcon.org/html/defcon-2...rs.html#Baldet I'd hope that even if you are not suffering, that you attend to learn how to help others in the community that are.

See you at con

[CP99]

Re: Depression

A little late to the party, but I will stand with Renderman.

I also suffer from severe depression and bipolar I disorder. A potent combination that ran rampant on my my childhood and early adult life.
I say this with as much meaning as I can pour into this textbox. This community SAVED my life.

It showed me that not only was I not alone in my fight against myself, but there was a set of people who didn't care about it, didn't see having it as a problem. Acceptance without normality, what I came to understand as a staple of our community. It allowed me to grow and build healthy mental stability.

Renderman, if there is anything I can do to help, please do not hesitate to let me know.


There are several books that I can't recommend highly enough on the matter of using, what is perceived as, mental illness as a tool in our arsenal. As hackers, our specific selves are not free from our need to comprehend, control, change, and ultimately utilize to our advantage.

"A First-Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links Between Leadership and Mental Illness"
and
"The Hypomanic Edge: The Link Between (A Little) Craziness and (A Lot of) Success in America" (I have not read this one yet, but it is suggested highly to me)


That being said, allow to rant on the topic for a moment.


As you said, the stigma attached to mental abnormality is stupid, and damaging to those who are not aware of their own situation. The road to mental health recovery is a long one, starting with self doubt, and ending with self actualization.

To know that your own perception of reality, your very biology is lying to you, all the time, is a hard thing to come to terms with. But it's not something to feel ashamed of, which is how our culture at large treats it. Again, as hackers, we're no strangers to throwing our own will into the face of convention, though this can be difficult when your will is sapped away by the very thing you are trying to fight.

In this group of individuals, from all walks of life, all types of people, all strung together by the common pursuit of the unattainable, please know that you are not alone here. That's the first thing that was shown to me by this family, and I strive to show it back.

See you at DefCon.

[audit]

Re: Depression

Brad,

You know everything I went through after losing my wife last year due to her illness. Since then, I've been suffering the same depression and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I agree that having depression is something that shouldn't be hidden because of the stigma behind it. You knew my wife was BP2 with manic depression, she absolutely hated the stigma that came with that and did everything she could to hide it, I contribute part of that to her taking her life.

In the last year, I've dropped every project I was working on including the outage lists that you knew were my pet projects, I take more meds then I care to even admit but it helps and I'm glad it's helping you as well.

You know my number, call anytime to talk if you need or want someones ear to bend for awhile.

[hx0r_1t4ch1]

Re: Depression

well friends..! here is Sai, Pharmacist. Depression is curable and what kind of drugs are you using? may I know please? I think I might help you

[TheCotMan]

Re: Depression

well friends..! here is Sai, Pharmacist. Depression is curable and what kind of drugs are you using? may I know please? I think I might help you

Are you here to troll, or sell bonarz pilz, or actually trying to deal in controlled substances across state lines using a public forum that is likely viewed by people of law enforcement?

The answer to this question will determine what happens next.

Thanks in advance for answering this question.