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It had to happen... Defcon Fanfiction

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  • It had to happen... Defcon Fanfiction

    (DISCLAIMER: I hate myself for writing this. Kry0NiK is 100% to blame)

    Evil Professor Bascule cackled with delight in his dimly lit subterrainian lair beneath the AP. In his hand he held a flask containing a glowing green liquid, which illuminated the five sativa plants before him.

    "Defcon won't know what hit them when I transform these five plants into scene whores!"

    The evil professor scurried over to the plants and poured some of the potion into them. It spread out across the surface of each pot, illuminating the plants in a spectacular fashion until it seeped into the soil, leaving a phosphorescent afterglow which slowly faded and then died.

    Bascule stood back and covered his face as the plants themselves began to glow. Their stems and leaves rippled and pulsed, and slowly began to bulge into humanoid forms. The pots they were planted in shattered nearly simultaneously, leaving five beautiful female heads with long flowing green hair. Full busted bodies began to form from the stems and leaves. The five newly formed girls proceeded to do a backflip and stood before the no-longer-cowering Evil Professor.

    Gazing in wonder, Bascule beheld the five naked green-haired beauties. "Damn ladies, there's more of you showing than any scene whore should ever expose. Too bad those douchebag h4xxx0r chicks never learned that. Take these green bikinis so that you may be evocative instead of nausea-inducing."

    Bascule gave a bikini to each of the ganja girls and proceeded to command them with their divine mission.

    "Go forth, and proceed to give contact highs to whoever you encounter!"

    [...]

    Pasty McGothdude stared longingly at the emerald haired beauty before him. She turned, and gazed lovingly at him with her deep green eyes.

    "Hey stud," she said, "why don't you come over here and get to know me better"

    Trotting behind Pasty came Pouty Emochick, his girlfriend. She stared in horror as her boyfriend leaned longingly toward the ganja girl in front of him.

    "Hey bitch!" she shouted. "Get away from my boyfriend!"

    "Ooh, you're fiesty!" she responded. "Have you ever wanted to explore your inherent feminine bisexuality?"

    "Shut up, cunt!" responded Pouty. "God, you're such a stupid bitch, don't you know scene whores are supposed to wear black?"

    Turning again to stare lovingly at Pasty, the ganja girl reached out her hand and made a come hither gesture below Pasty's chin, gently stroking his skin with the tip of her finger. She then turned to address Pouty.

    "But I'm Mary Jane, a Green Goddess. There is no other color befitting me."

    Pasty grasped his head as time seemed to slow and his vison began to blur. The speech of passerbys was no longer comprehensible. He felt his eyes and mouth grow dry, and despite having recently eaten a sushi buffet he felt incredibly hungry.

    "Hey," he said, "anyone else feel like listening to the Grateful Dead? God, what the fuck am I wearing?"

    Pouty ran over and shook her boyfriend. "Pasty, what's happened to you?" She then turned to look at Mary Jane. "You bitch, what did you do to him?"

    "I merely set him free," she said.

    Pouty scouled at Mary Jane. Clenching her teeth angrly, she slapped Mary Jane, who merely absorbed the blow and smiled. Pouty saw a barely visible green residue seep into her hand, which began tingling. Suddenly Pouty's world began to transform.

    Much like Winston Smith at the end of 1984, the bullet had entered her brain. Only this time, instead of loving Big Brother, she loved Phish.

    [...]

    Blackwave beheld a scene of devistation. Everywhere he looked all over the AP people were wearing tie die shirts and hemp clothing with flowers in their hair. People were singing in painful sounding voices, playing a variety of bizarre stringed instruments constructed from the remains of laptops and cat5 cable. The only hacking to be seen was being done on sacks.

    "What the hell happened here?" asked Blackwave to no one in particular.

    "Ha ha ha! This is my doing!" shouted Professor Bascule, jumping from out of the shadows to stand before Blackwave.

    "Bascule, you diabolical madman, what the hell have you done!"

    Bascule pulled Mary Jane out from the shadows to reveal to Blackwave. "I've used my ganja girls to get everyone at Defcon high! With a significant portion of the country's IT community transformed into hippies, American society will collapse into a state of subdued hippiedom!"

    "Not if I can help it!" shouted Blackwave. He charged towards Bascule ready to strike, but he was stricken with paralysis by a strange odor eminating from Bascule's body.

    "Ha ha! No one can get past the Patchouli Shield!" cackled Bascule with delight.

    Blackwave paused for a second, then grabbed a hose and proceeded to spray Bascule with it. Bascule shreaked with horror as he began smoking and melting into a pile of goo.

    "My patchouli shield!" Bascule gasped, "However did you guess it's weakness?"

    "Everyone knows hippies are vulnerable to baths!" shouted Blackwave.

    "Mary Jane, see my plan through!" whispered Bascule as his arms and torso sunk into the goo pile.

    "I don't really feel like it right now." Mary Jane replied, "I'm actually kind of hungry. Ooh, what's this shiny thingie over here?" Mary Jane wandered off.

    "Blast," croaked Bascule as his shoulders sunk into the goo pile. "My beautiful plan ruined by a little water and pothead stereotypes!"

    "Oh, what an ironic twist of fate!" said Blackwave, "Foiled by the mentality which you wish to endorse!"

    "A befitting end, I suppose. Goodbye cruel world!" Bascule burped as his mouth and head sunk into the goo pile.

    "Well, the Evil Bascule has been defeated!" said Blackwave triumphantly. "But everyone's still a bunch of hippies... however will I change them back?"

    Suddenly Chris walked up for no apparent reason. "It's okay, it wore off after awhile."

    "Hooray, everyone is back to normal!" shouted Blackwave.

    "Well, almost everyone," said Chris. He turned to point at HighWizard, attempting to use a pop can to smoke some Mexican dirt shwag.

    "My god," he said, "Bascule was right all along! Curse that handsome devil!"

    THE END

    The moral of the story is: KIDS, DON'T DO DRUGS

    (P.S.: If you disliked or were offended by how I portrayed you or anyone else in this story feel free to kick my ass at Defcon. I certainly wasn't trying to be insensitive in any way.)

    (P.P.S.: I would've spell checked, but that would've defeated the point of parodying fanfiction)
    Last edited by bascule; June 12, 2004, 21:35. Reason: Aiee... I forgot the line that brought the whole story together...
    45 5F E1 04 22 CA 29 C4 93 3F 95 05 2B 79 2A B0
    45 5F E1 04 22 CA 29 C4 93 3F 95 05 2B 79 2A B1
    [ redacted ]

  • #2
    Originally posted by bascule
    The moral of the story is: KIDS, DON'T DO DRUGS
    or in my case....

    and you didn't name-drop me! i'm so invalidated.........

    Comment


    • #3
      Who wants to write, "The Adventures of Kidlinux: The GNU/Linux Projective"?
      The dude abides.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by phobal
        and you didn't name-drop me! i'm so invalidated.........
        [... snip ... ]

        Then phobal showed up demanding attention for no apparent reason. Everyone agreed that Canada is full of hippies and proceeded to kick his ass.

        THE END (again)
        45 5F E1 04 22 CA 29 C4 93 3F 95 05 2B 79 2A B0
        45 5F E1 04 22 CA 29 C4 93 3F 95 05 2B 79 2A B1
        [ redacted ]

        Comment


        • #5
          Hippies kicking Canadian ass. Classic.
          Ya got no legs, don't come crawlin' to me.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by bascule
            [... snip ... ]

            Then phobal showed up demanding attention for no apparent reason. Everyone agreed that Canada is full of hippies and proceeded to kick his ass.

            THE END (again)
            THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK YOU.

            Comment


            • #7
              Great story! Normally I stay away from such long post, but anytime I see the word scurry I just have to read on. The second ending was better and great caracter creation and discription. I think you should have included a registered trademark on the whole ganja girls thing.
              If there is a Church of WiFi, then this is it's !

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by bascule
                (P.P.S.: I would've spell checked, but that would've defeated the point of parodying fanfiction)
                I just noticed that. Hehe...oh I hate myself.
                The dude abides.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Not quite ready for penthouse letters, but getting there. Keep waxing off daniel-son.
                  Yes I'm back bitch!

                  And darker than ever

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Wow bascule, nicely done.

                    So how long did you brain-storm on this?
                    "It is difficult not to wonder whether that combination of elements which produces a machine for labor does not create also a soul of sorts, a dull resentful metallic will, which can rebel at times". Pearl S. Buck

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I'm guessing 2 minutes, 47 seconds.
                      .: Grifter :.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Grifter
                        I'm guessing 2 minutes, 47 seconds.
                        But I bet in hippie drug world it felt like 30 min. :)
                        .:. Adrenaline .:.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Maybe I should write some Defcon Fan-Fiction.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by highwizard
                            Maybe I should write some Defcon Fan-Fiction.

                            No you shouldn't. I'm sure none of us want to end up in that fucking hot tub.
                            .: Grifter :.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              im wondering when those books that highwiz was writing will continue....
                              ARRR!

                              Comment

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