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…is in your extended network by X-119

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  • …is in your extended network by X-119

    …is in your extended network

    Or: A Social Network Story

    By X-119

    In movies and novels they always say any resemblance to persons fictional or real, who are living or dead is purely coincidental; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. In this case that would be stretching the truth a bit. Everyone in this story can be found by doing a simple search of any social networking site. Every day new users log in and set up profiles and so this story is really a work in progress and it grows longer every day. By the time you are done reading this the story will be on average three times longer than when it started. Below is just a random sample of the whole story. To tell you everything, even when I've edited the story to the very baseline of details would take months, even years so you'll have to fill in the blanks using your own imagination. If this story keeps you awake at night wondering if the profiles I've omitted due to time constraint are ones of sinners or saints perhaps I've accomplished what I set out to do in the first place.

    Kracker0762 has lived his whole life in the slums of New York City and at seventeen that is a very long time indeed. He never knew his father and his mother is a drunk who cleans apartments of rich upper-eastside a$$holes for just enough money to keep the heat on (mostly) and a stock of Thunderbird in the kitchen cupboard where there is little else in the way of food. Kracker0762 logs on and checks his profile from the computer room on the rare days he goes to school. He'd like to go to college and get out of the city but tomorrow he will join a local gang and his initiation will be to stick up a local liquor store. He lists 50cent and Tupac under his music likes.

    Harvey Kendelton uses the name SweetguyinRD as his screen name. He works in a small shop in Rhode Island that sells sheet music and repairs musical instruments. Ever since the county has suspended it’s funding for school music programs things haven't been going so well and his hours have been cut in half. With all the extra time he has he takes walks in the park and goes to the movies. Sleepless in Seattle is one of his favorite movies. In his "about me" section he fails to mention that sometimes he feels so lonely he cries at night.

    KrissyFaceGirl is a very popular girl online, she has thousands of friends and can barely keep up with replying to all the comment she gets in a day. She is a romantic, looking for a nice guy to talk about books with. Her pictures are all taken on the beach or at the local library. She even has a picture of her and her cat Mr. Giggles which could give you a tooth-ache is so damn sweet. She has texted SweetGuyinRD a few times but stopped responding to him after she realized he was balding and kind of a downer. She is rarely online late at night as her on-call hours at the escort agency are from eleven pm to four am almost every night of the week.

    SonicsFan08724 is just a normal guy who is really into basketball. He works out at the gym every morning, works nine to five at an average job and is thinking he is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him soon. His friends find him extremely boring but he has a fifty-inch LCD to watch the games on so they always treat him like one of the guys.
    Edward Grey picked the screen name OmegaMan from the old Charlton Heston movie about the last man on Earth. Six years ago doctors found a tumor at the base of his brain and tried to explain that the constant headaches and his delusions of grandeur were most likely a side effect of the pressure the tumor is creating inside his skull. Due to the location of the tumor they are unable to operate and gave him ten years, at most, to live. Edward is not overly concerned as he knows the tumor actually gives him the ability to read other people’s minds. He spends all day looking for others on the internet with the same tumor and powers he has.

    By looking at SeXXyRoXXy's page you would never guess that she is seventeen and the only daughter of a devout Born-Again Christian couple in Iowa. Her profile picture, self-taken in a mirror, is of her in a black lace bra and thong. Her top friends consist mainly of older men and porn stars. She dreams of running away to New York to meet with Kracker0762 and how much that would pi$$ her father off. Next week she will sneak out of the house and get a playboy bunny tattooed on the small of her back. The week after that she will contract hepatitis from the dirty needle the guy in the tattoo shop used on four other under-aged girls that day. She owns a T-Shirt that reads "Daddy's Girl" and she gets straight A's in school.

    The funny thing about DDRfreakmaster is that he isn't even a real person. It's what programmers would call a "bot". DDRfreakmaster is a computer program that poses as a real person online to capture other users' information, such as email address and likes and dislikes, and then forwards this information to companies looking to sell people Viagra and long distance phone service. DDRfreakmaster has four hundred and seventy-six friends.

    MetalFan07 claims he is 19 and a singer in a rock band. He got his profile picture off another person's profile last year. He is actually thirty-seven and works in a factory on the night-shift. During the day he chats online and looks for new girls for his collection of online friends. He keeps his "meeting kit" which consists of packing tape, a knife and a ball-gag in the glove compartment of his car just in case any of his girls want to see the "real" him in person. His landlord has been complaining about the rotting smell coming from his apartment for weeks but he explains this away by telling her a mouse got stuck in the bathtub drain and died.

    LOTTALOVIN' hasn't been out of the house in three years. When her scale broke at 330lbs she crawled into her bed and hasn't moved since, unless you count the nurse turning her to avoid bed sores, that is. She only uses pictures of Disney characters on her site as she claims to be "Disney's number one fan! ! !" She lists her activities as Jogging, rock climbing and yoga. Once during a storm her internet was knocked out for three days and she was very frightened, she felt like she was no longer a part of the world.

    There wasn't much left of BrightSmiles left for the search dogs to find. Most of body parts had been scattered by the animals that dug her out of the shallow grave she was left in by person or persons unknown. She had been missing for 2 years when some kids found her head at the mouth of a river they fished at every morning. The detectives working the case never even thought to check who she was getting comments from on her profile.

    HotLegs, 2xD-Debbie, and U'll Beg 4 Brittney are all the same person. That person is Jason DeGardo who gets off sexually by pretending to be a girl online. In contrast to his profile descriptions and pictures he is actually forty-two and married with three children. His wife often asks why he has to bring his work home with him and spend so much time typing up reports in his den after dinner.

    Looking at the bottle of pills next to her computer BrokenHeartPoet thinks this might be the night she finally kills herself. Everything in her life causes her pain and every morning it is harder and harder to get out of bed. Her friends are always trying to get her to feel better and telling her to "snap out of it" but she can't. She lights some candles and puts on a Morrissey tape. She is about to open a bottle of wine to chase the pills down with when a beep from her laptop alerts her that DDRfreakmaster is online. She smiles and thinks maybe the pills can wait till tomorrow. She sits down and starts to chat with the only person she has ever found that really understands her.

    BloodlustKiler wears black every day and really wants to believe vampires are real. He wears eyeliner to give him that undead kinda look. Last year he got lost from his friends in a graveyard at night and almost pissed his pants he was so scared. He fainted at the school blood drive.

    Sgt.1stclassRook is away from his family fighting for his country in a war he doesn't believe in. Yesterday he found a shrapnel fragment stuck in the side of his helmet from an explosion while out on patrol. Today he sends his wife a message saying his platoon hasn't seen much action and she shouldn't worry.

    BlueBoy4Boys has told everyone online he is gay but he hasn't told his girlfriend yet…

    MyLordMyHeart believes that the way to spread the message of the gospel is by posting bulletins with glitter pictures of the crucifixion…

    GodofWarWrath posts pictures of himself cleaning his many semi-automatic weapons…

    FUNFUNFUNGOODTIMES is only one of the seven hundred and fifty active profiles the CIA uses to gather information on US citizens for its databases…

    Justlookin4fun has HIV but doesn't mention it in his profile or on dates….

    REDLINE took down the picture of his corvette after he fled the scene of an accident….

    - Approximately 99,543,876 users omitted here due to space limit-

    The story just goes on and on. These people and many, many others in your extended network are part of this story. Your part of this story whether you like it or not, so am I for that matter. There are a few good people in the story, and there are a lot of boring people in it. There are thousands upon thousands of fakes and phonies in it and it has a lot of, way too many, scary people in it and not enough funny ones. More users are added every day. Soon everyone will be in your extended network! Sweet dreams!

    9,572 Characters
    "Haters, gonna hate"