Ask a Security Goon

[veruus]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

• Beer
• Liquor
• Boobs

• Belly Rubs

[not5150]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

Will the cardboard cutout be making a return visit this year?

[P33V3]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

As others have stated we're a buffer. Often were the first one there when someone is passed out, hit their head, are hurt, or worse. We try to make con fun for everyone. And the phrase flea said "we stay sober so you don't have too" is very true.
Do we take what we do seriously? Yes.
Do you sometimes see us hitting each other with nerf swords, pool noodles, or other heavier blunt objects? Yes. Even we need to blow off some steam.
Do we get surly sometimes? Oh yeah. Usually around the 300th time we ask someone to move out the way of the fire exit. Why do we do that? So you can have fun and the fire marshal doesn't close us down.
Do we sometimes not know where track XYZ or speaker 123 is, yes. When programs get short guess who are the first to give theirs up? You guessed it, we are.


Now for those who are interested in becoming a goon see the other responses. But, before you volunteer to get the "cool badge and t-shirt" let me first warn you. Being a goon isn't as easy as it looks. Sure there is the machismo and low slung radio. That is pretty cool. Once again, remember we are usually the first to respond to everything from bleeding, to puking, to someone being passed out and pooping themselves, to fighting. I typically get there a couple of days early and try to help with the setup. Hauling programs, swag, and whatever. The average day starts around 6:30 and ends between 5:30 to 6:00. Now within that 11 or so hours there is a lot of walking. Let me be clear about this point. Over the past 2 years I have worn a pedometer. The first year I did 72 miles in 4 days around the Riv. Last year was 77 miles over the 4 days of con. This year I expect to do more because of the size of the Rio. So at a minimum I figure I'll do 20 miles a day. What does that mean? Lots of blisters, swollen feet, and a week to recover post-con. If you want to chat look for me at the bar after shift where I am usually trying to drink my feet numb before I go out to drink to have fun. Last year I was in Las Vegas for 2 weeks I came home having lost 14 pounds. Losing that much in Vegas is un-natural. So if you want to become a goon do as flea suggests but it is a lot of work.

Would I trade it? Nope, I enjoy every minute of it.

[P33V3]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

Will the cardboard cutout be making a return visit this year?

No this year the 3 dimensional flea will be back with us fresh off his whirlwind tour of Tahiti, Trinidad, Bora Bora, Nepal, the shores of Lake Titicaca, and Flatbush.

[shrdlu]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

Some (but not all) Goons have been known to appreciate coffee in the morning. Give them coffee (but ask if they want it, first). Ask if they need a snack. Sometimes they've been too crazy busy to find food.

[Gadsden]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

Some (but not all) Goons have been known to appreciate coffee in the morning. Give them coffee (but ask if they want it, first). Ask if they need a snack. Sometimes they've been too crazy busy to find food.

LOTS of coffee in the morning.

[priest]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

LOTS of coffee in the morning. Especially if it is Bailey's "flavored".

Sigh. *PLEASE* do not spike any food or drink you give to a Goon. That would be the height of uncool and cause you to have allot of very pissed off very large people very angry with you.

In case you are wondering... Yes this has been a problem in the past.

I want to add to the comments by Flea et al.

We are there to make sure that you as an attendee have the best time you can have while at the same time making sure that everyone else there has a good time too AND to make sure that you don't cause harm to yourselves (jail etc), to others, or to the convention.

Sometimes this means that I or others have to be a "Mean Person" who causes you discomfort and/or hurt feelings. Please understand that this is not done because we are on some kind of ego power trip. Its done because you, or someone with you, is about to (sometimes colossally) screw up which will mean that life will end up sucking in a very big way for you, your friends, or the con in general and that's something that cannot happen.

So if you are on the receiving end of one (or more) of us being a "Mean Person" please understand that its not personal. We are not singling you out because we want to persecute you because you: stink/are ugly/your religion/your race/your sexual preference/we just don't like you. Its because we need you to stop doing what you are doing right now before hotel security or the police step in and don't have the time to mollycoddle you and shower you with praise and affirmation of what a super neat person you are.

If you see one or more of us running towards you please get out of the way. Please also do not follow us because whatever we are running towards *MUST* be something to see. As much as we want you to be entertained by someone's misfortune odds are that you being there is just adding to the problem and making it harder for us or someone else who actually needs to be there to get there. Please either stay where you are or go the other way.

If you see someone(s) about to do something stupid please don't egg them on. Please instead ask them not to and if they don't comply please let one of us know who they are and what they did. I realize this goes against the grain but think back to the idiots who "hacked" the AC system in the tent at the AP. Thanks to Bevis and Butthead EVERYONE got to enjoy the Vegas heat because they managed to turn off and break the AC. Does something like that really make sense to cover up and protect?

On the subject of "Spot the Fed":

Yes you can spot one. Please come see me with your Fed in tow. We will set a time/track for you and your Fed to meet me at.

I will do a "Spot the Fed" *ONLY* when the Speaker Goons have asked me to because there is some problem they need to fix and they need to fill the time or when they have scheduled a time/track for it. I don't just randomly interrupt talks to do Fed Spotting.

Please wait for me to finish dealing with whatever I happen to be dealing with at the time before asking me about Fed Spotting. If I am right in the middle of giving CPR/Dealing with a Code Brown/resolving a problem its probably NOT a good time to interrupt me with a Fed Spot request.

*IF* your Fed doesn't want to be publicly spotted you are most likely out of luck. Please don't force the issue. There is a very good reason why they don't want to be spotted. Respect that. There are now so many Feds at the convention that you have to be blind and depriving a village somewhere of their idiot not to find one and the I AM shirt is now so highly coveted in Fed circles that they are now actually asking people to spot them just to get one.

[TheBigMan]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

The goons do a fantastic job and really make Defcon function.
Respect to you all for giving up so much of your time to make it great for the rest of us!
Thank you and looking forward to drinking a beer when you are off duty.

PS. It will be good to have you back this year Flea!

[dc0de]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

No this year the 3 dimensional flea will be back with us fresh off his whirlwind tour of Tahiti, Trinidad, Bora Bora, Nepal, the shores of Lake Titicaca, and Flatbush.

Wait, Fulsom prison is now called "Bora Bora"?

[dc0de]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

The goons do a fantastic job and really make Defcon function.
Respect to you all for giving up so much of your time to make it great for the rest of us!
Thank you and looking forward to drinking a beer when you are off duty.

PS. It will be good to have you back this year Flea!

Thanks for the warm comments, if you could spread that "good will" to your fellow attendees during the con, it would help us out significantly.

[Dallas]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

Totally agree - its a lot of work - miss most of the conference - but good friends and still have fun.

As others have stated we're a buffer. Often were the first one there when someone is passed out, hit their head, are hurt, or worse. We try to make con fun for everyone. And the phrase flea said "we stay sober so you don't have too" is very true.
Do we take what we do seriously? Yes.
Do you sometimes see us hitting each other with nerf swords, pool noodles, or other heavier blunt objects? Yes. Even we need to blow off some steam.
Do we get surly sometimes? Oh yeah. Usually around the 300th time we ask someone to move out the way of the fire exit. Why do we do that? So you can have fun and the fire marshal doesn't close us down.
Do we sometimes not know where track XYZ or speaker 123 is, yes. When programs get short guess who are the first to give theirs up? You guessed it, we are.


Now for those who are interested in becoming a goon see the other responses. But, before you volunteer to get the "cool badge and t-shirt" let me first warn you. Being a goon isn't as easy as it looks. Sure there is the machismo and low slung radio. That is pretty cool. Once again, remember we are usually the first to respond to everything from bleeding, to puking, to someone being passed out and pooping themselves, to fighting. I typically get there a couple of days early and try to help with the setup. Hauling programs, swag, and whatever. The average day starts around 6:30 and ends between 5:30 to 6:00. Now within that 11 or so hours there is a lot of walking. Let me be clear about this point. Over the past 2 years I have worn a pedometer. The first year I did 72 miles in 4 days around the Riv. Last year was 77 miles over the 4 days of con. This year I expect to do more because of the size of the Rio. So at a minimum I figure I'll do 20 miles a day. What does that mean? Lots of blisters, swollen feet, and a week to recover post-con. If you want to chat look for me at the bar after shift where I am usually trying to drink my feet numb before I go out to drink to have fun. Last year I was in Las Vegas for 2 weeks I came home having lost 14 pounds. Losing that much in Vegas is un-natural. So if you want to become a goon do as flea suggests but it is a lot of work.

Would I trade it? Nope, I enjoy every minute of it.

[mage2]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

interaction with Goons of the Security Subtype:

I have been lucky enough to meet and even hangout with some of the Security goons in my years at defcon. I think based purely on my experience the best way to help them help you is just follow instructions. That and don't be a moron. There are countless memories of morons doing things not in the name of funny/fun but in the name of being asshats. Think about what you are doing before you do it. If there is a doubt doing said action would get you arrested,thrown out of hotel,or causing your fellow Con goers pain or suffering, go do something else.

Offering CLOSED bottles of beer/drinks is great but most do not drink while on duty so offers of closed bottles of water,juice,gator-aid,etc is a good idea.

Also I find that supporting your local goon band is a good way to show support for those that make this possible.

So while I am not cool enough to be a GOON, thats my 2 bytes. take it as it was given.

[astcell]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

I'll hide a few cases of Rolling Rock in a bus locker somewhere in the city and give Roamer the key. :-)

[mage2]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

I does have a question.
how many goons are there now? And how many security.. I need to plan the volume of the brib...errr donation.

[P33V3]

Re: Ask a Security Goon

I does have a question.
how many goons are there now? And how many security.. I need to plan the volume of the brib...errr donation.

Security? Easy...

1

And, we answer to the same name...Goon.

That being said we are mighty thristy. And can drink a fresh beer, run behind you and be ready for another in the blink of an eye.