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  • Why there's an angel on top of the tree...

    One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for
    his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves
    got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the
    regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
    schedule.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit...this stressed
    Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
    to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.


    More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked
    and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

    So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of
    whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid
    the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
    accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little
    pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that
    mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and
    Santa cussed on his way to the door...

    He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
    tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just
    a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?

    Where would you like me to stick it?"

    Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
    the fresh princess of 1338

    What did I do to make you think I give a shit?

  • #2
    Re: Why there's an angel on top of the tree...

    Originally posted by octalpussy
    Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
    ROFLMAO!... that was pretty damned funny, and I am not one to laugh at xmas jokes.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Re: Why there's an angel on top of the tree...

      Originally posted by blackwave
      ROFLMAO!... that was pretty damned funny, and I am not one to laugh at xmas jokes.
      I'm not usually one to spread them... that's why I snuck it in under /dev/null.... but this one was just too funny to pass up!!
      the fresh princess of 1338

      What did I do to make you think I give a shit?

      Comment


      • #4
        Always loved that story....

        Here is my favorite:

        Is there a Santa Claus?

        No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

        There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

        Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

        This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

        The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

        353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

        In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

        Based on the research of SPY magazine, January 1990.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by astcell
          This is to say that for each Christian household with good children
          http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1299/santy.html

          favorite quote:

          Every time a so-called Christian child asks Santa for something, he is praying to Satan

          Comment


          • #6
            The similarities between Santa and Blackwave

            1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

            2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

            3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

            4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."

            5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

            6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

            7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

            8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

            9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

            10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

            Comment


            • #7
              A real geeky one...

              better !pout !cry
              better watchout
              lpr why
              santa claus <north pole >town

              cat /etc/passwd >list
              ncheck list
              ncheck list
              cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
              cat list | grep nice >giftlist
              santa claus <north pole >town


              who | grep sleeping
              who | grep awake
              who | grep bad || good
              for (goodness sake) {
              be good
              }
              the fresh princess of 1338

              What did I do to make you think I give a shit?

              Comment


              • #8
                Oh now THAT is awesome octalpussy. Did you make that up yourself?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by ashman
                  Oh now THAT is awesome octalpussy. Did you make that up yourself?

                  That really put me in the festive mood, oh and happy merry jolly christmas eve...:)
                  ~:CK:~
                  I would like to meet a 1 to keep my 0 company.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by ashman
                    Oh now THAT is awesome octalpussy. Did you make that up yourself?
                    Hahaha... I wish...

                    I stole it from one of my friend's posts in LJ.
                    the fresh princess of 1338

                    What did I do to make you think I give a shit?

                    Comment

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