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  • a very old file

    Something I found while strolling through my 55mb of backscroll (not counting the commie disks). Posted per request.


    1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
    scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

    2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and
    look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

    3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty
    that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned
    it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for
    a good half hour.

    4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to
    you evilly.

    5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
    different screen than the one it's set up with.

    6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at
    the highest volume possible over & over again.

    7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
    something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

    8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
    Pentagon files.

    9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

    10.Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it

    11.Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
    it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

    12.Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
    everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

    13.Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as
    if they're crazy while typing.

    14.Light candles in a pentagram around your ter
    minal before starting.

    15.Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
    agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I

    16.Every time you press Return and there is processing time required,
    pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when
    it finishes.

    17."DISK FIGHT!!!"

    18.Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you.
    (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make
    new friends).

    19.Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
    Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

    20.If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The
    Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

    21.Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it
    to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and
    then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

    22.Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive,
    when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

    23.When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
    where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

    24.Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
    done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

    25.Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After
    doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person
    next to you.

    26.Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
    next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the
    person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and
    it is far more effective to let them linger.

    27.If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends,
    cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you

    28.Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on
    your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

    29.Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and
    place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and
    drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the
    aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

    30.Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper
    like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the
    bad working conditions.

    31.Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
    continue working.

    32.Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

    33.Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat,
    the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its
    note loudly. Write an entire pape this way.

    34.Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

    35.Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
    me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard
    & taking it.

    36.Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

    37.When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
    sometimes the old ways are best.

    38.Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

    39.Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
    until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit
    the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at
    your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times,
    erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask:
    "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume
    hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until
    you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then,
    suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the
    space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
    Print out your document and leave. >>

    40.Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
    monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For
    special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk
    drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

    41.Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled,
    burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep
    grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

    42.Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
    elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or
    the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up
    from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh,
    good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

    43.Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

    44.See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk
    to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before
    they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

    45.Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
    effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

    46.Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain
    that the lead doesn't work.

    47.Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species
    of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence,
    then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss
    the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your
    ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your
    neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

    48.Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
    then calmly sit down and begin to type.

    49.Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
    chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest
    person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding
    my pet crocodile for the next week".

    50.Two words: Tesla Coil.
    Last edited by mfreeck; December 28, 2002, 02:27.