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  • I, anonymous

    In one of our weekly papers, there is a column called "I, anonymous," where folks send letters in saying things they dare not in person. Past highlights have included (paraphrases) "Quit letching on me, your coffee server, you dirty old man," and "I hope you enjoyed my ravioli you stole from the fridge that contained garlic that had previously been in my girlfriend's yeastie cunt." I thought you might enjoy this week's:

    Attention cock-stroking commuter: you did not see me, but I had the misfortune of seeing you. Doing what, you ask? Why, mercilessly flogging yourself at 1:00 in the afternoon on a Monday while driving your blue minivan. Granted, such a vehicle offers the security of elevation over other cars, but be a little mindful next time you're alongside a bus. With sheer disgust, I watched your unimpressive, oily member protruding through your pleated Dockers as you diligently stroked away. My horror gave way to curiosity: why not utilize a public restroom like regular perverts? Does whacking it in bumper-to-bumper traffic help you get yourself off? Or were you merely in a time cruch, attempting to multitask on the way to your next meeting? And what happens when you achieve your ejaculatory goal? Does the man-spunk get all over the steering wheel? The mind reels. Anyway, I hope your auto-erotic lunch hours don't lead to any ten-car pileups, as you'd be left in quite an embarassing state of disarray.

  • #2
    haha... one cannot say that one has not participated in such events... one cannot. <blackwave looks around>

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    • #3
      Originally posted by blackwave
      haha... one cannot say that one has not participated in such events... one cannot. <blackwave looks around>
      I ride the bus. Please be aware of your surroundings, for my sake. :)

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      • #4
        Originally posted by blackwave
        haha... one cannot say that one has not participated in such events... one cannot. <blackwave looks around>
        I am all for public jerkin' of the ole gherkin. Nothing passes the time like a little traffic jam whackin' if you ask me! Now I will admit that I should have gotten the windows on my blue minivan tinted...but hey..live and learn.

        BTW, the answer is planning. A strategically placed kleenex prior to getting in traffic avoids any problems with steering wheel spunkage.
        perl -e 'print pack(c5, (41*2), sqrt(7056), (unpack(c,H)-2), oct(115), 10)'

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        • #5
          Anyone read J.G. Ballard's Crash, or remember the movie?

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          • #6
            Ahhh, the joys of being female. A carefully strapped on Venus Butterfly can't be seen from passing vehicles. The problem is getting out of it when you reach your destination. :D
            the fresh princess of 1338

            What did I do to make you think I give a shit?

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            • #7
              Thats nothing compared to what a friend of mine who plays a trooper in real life saw...

              He pulled over a guy who was fucking a chicken while driving his truck. The *short* of the story was he was put in the looney bin for an *evaluation*.

              Guess it was more than finger lickin good.
              Yes I'm back bitch!

              And darker than ever

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Chris
                I am all for public jerkin' of the ole gherkin. Nothing passes the time like a little traffic jam whackin' if you ask me! Now I will admit that I should have gotten the windows on my blue minivan tinted...but hey..live and learn.

                BTW, the answer is planning. A strategically placed kleenex prior to getting in traffic avoids any problems with steering wheel spunkage.
                Yeah because sometimes there isnt a live chicken handy to receive your spunky goodness.
                Yes I'm back bitch!

                And darker than ever

                Comment


                • #9
                  ummm.....no.

                  i have not, nor will ever "rubbed one out" while driving.

                  that's what girlfriends mouthes are for. and if she's not there, please control the sexual urge till you get home....
                  the fresh prince of 1337

                  To learn how to hack; submit your request

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by KeLviN
                    ummm.....no.

                    i have not, nor will ever "rubbed one out" while driving.

                    that's what girlfriends mouthes are for. and if she's not there, please control the sexual urge till you get home....
                    Something tells me you own a blue minivan, michael bolton cd's and hang out at elementary schools.
                    Yes I'm back bitch!

                    And darker than ever

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      follow up

                      In this week's edition of the Mercury, in the letters section, there is a bit relevant to last week's I, Anonymous:

                      This goes out to the writer of last week's I, Anonymous. I too have been subjected to the horrors of glancing out my bus window, and seeing a man in a blue minivan jerking off. I don't know what he looked like, but it was pretty apparent he was purposely keeping up with the bus as he wobbled his ridiculous, half-limp little twerpy-bird back and forth.

                      Anyway, I thought I'd write to let you know you're not alone. I'm pretty sure it was the same guy -- I mean, I'm hoping there's not an army of blue minivan-driving perverts out there, masturbating next to buses.

                      Also, a shout-out to the drunk motherfucker who was staring at me and masturbating on the streetcar the other day! If you weren't a big, creepy, drunken man, and I wasn't a tiny, relatively, frail little girl, I would have kicked you in your dick. I shouldn't have so many public transportation masturbation stories, for real. I'm going to start carrying garden shears if this keeps up.

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                      • #12
                        Okay who wants to caravan to Defcon in BW's blue minivan?

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                        • #13
                          is that a metaphore?
                          the fresh prince of 1337

                          To learn how to hack; submit your request

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by astcell
                            Okay who wants to caravan to Defcon in BW's blue minivan?
                            We're driving out in our green minivan... with dongs.
                            the fresh princess of 1338

                            What did I do to make you think I give a shit?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: follow up

                              Originally posted by mfreeck
                              as he wobbled his ridiculous, half-limp little twerpy-bird back and forth.
                              That is a fabulous expression... got to write it down even.

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