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Fscking With The TSA

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  • Fscking With The TSA

    RenderMan saw me in a tshirt that said "Frisk Me, I'm a Terrorist" in the lobby of Alexis Park on Monday, and asked if I had plans to wear it on my flight home. I told him I did, to which he requested I post the story of what happened to the DC Forums. Well, here goes:

    My first flight of the evening was leaving McCarran going to Philly. I'm guessing the TSA was getting a lot of "strange" people coming through as they were leaving DefCon, so I didn't really catch much heat from them, with the occasional "button up your shirt, please" (I was wearing an unbuttoned "Hacker" work shirt, but the t shirt was very plain to see). A friend of mine said the woman who had checked my bags for me was extremely nervous, but I really hadn't noticed.

    After we touched down in Philly, I stepped off the plane and immediately went towards the front doors so I could have a smoke or three. I had taken my boots off and was carrying them, already had the laptop out and ready to go into the bin and through the xray machine. Everything was going great until one TSA guy noticed the shirt.

    "You want to get frisked, eh?"

    So I was led over to the Anal Probe section of the security checkpoint, where an older black lady was sitting. The first TSA requested that I show her my shirt. I opened the outside shirt, to which she said "That ain't funny."

    My reply was "Sure it is..."

    So after getting patted down, checked for explosive residue, having even my packs of smokes checked (bastards snarfed my lighter... ). Surprisingly, nothing much more happened. One TSA guy said what I was doing was not illegal, just very highly frowned upon.

    So there it is, my lovely trip home with a frowned upon shirt on. I was honestly expecting it to be more interesting, but hey....Better home than in jail.

    The Hacker Pimps
    The Hacker Pimps

  • #2
    As inept as the TSA appears to be from my travel experiences, I have no desire to mess with them.

    They have an important job to do, and any more time they spend on me is time less spent on the real "bad guys."

    I have major problems with their security procedures, screenings, training, etc., but the last thing they need is someone else that needs extra attention.


    • #3
      While I was at DC13 my wife went to NC. TSA took 4 lighters out of her purse but missed two. In DFW they found one more of them. She made it home with one lighter, whereas she was authorized four books of matches.

      They are NOT the ones to say what is highly frowned upon!


      • #4
        Quigon: Nice party on Friday night.

        Just beacuse you have a T-Shirt like that on doesn't mean they have to frisk you. They did so because they did not like what was written on it, not because he posed a danger to society. If they really wanted to catch "bad guys" they would start racial profiling.

        From LA to Vegas they found a pair of nose hair scissors, but from Vegas to LA they missed them.
        "so many books, so little time"


        • #5
          woulda been cool to have one that says "Kiss Me, I'm a Terrorist" and have a 767 flaming down toward a downtown area. Hmm, maybe I should call HotTopic and get them to market it.


          • #6
            Originally posted by ch0l0man
            Quigon: Nice party on Friday night.

            Glad you enjoyed. We got the snags worked out this year, so next years should be even tighter.
            The Hacker Pimps


            • #7
              TSA = Thousands Standing Around
              TSA = Thumbs Stuck (up) Asses

              I really hate the TSA, why is it called the Transportation Security Administration anyways? All they do is scan the checked baggage and intimidate the passengers, I have yet to see a TSA agent on a bus or train in some sort of real security function, besides protecting their lunch bags from the homeless.

              Leaving Lost Wages about midnight for a 1am flight it had to be around the shift change. I could overhear one rather large TSA agent complaining about another TSA drone hogging the x-ray and how she couldn't get any training time on the machine all night long.

              What got me irked this trip was TSA Golden Retrivers asking for my boarding pass every five feet at the security checkpoint, I know better than to give them lip, but I really felt like asking the last TSA twit overpumped on that Starbucks Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino he was sucking on to ask the TSA drone sitting next to the X-Ray machine if my boarding pass has changed any since 30 seconds ago?
              Nonnumquam cupido magnas partes Interretis vincendi me corripit


              • #8
                this year was the first time in a while that i didn't give the TSA and the airlines too much shit on my trip home. traditionally, i make the attempt at a hassle-free flight on my way to defcon (who wants to miss a flight and arrive a day late?) but do my best to be as uncooperative as possible afterward.

                my family doesn't understand this at all, and i've had plenty of dinner conversations in which they've berated me and called me juvinile. personally, i believe that when any authority oversteps their appropriate boundaries it is everyone's duty as free and thinking human beings to introduce as much frustration and annoyance as possible into a process. even in the worst case scenario, you take up more of the authority body's time and resources... best case scenario, you raise awareness and public ire to such a degree that reforms are enacted.

                so yeah, typically i'll always refuse the demands that i produce ID and during any unreasonable search request i drop my bags in front of me and tell the security person to go through them himself or herself. did that once with my shoes too, which resulted in some good laughter from other travelers. when i was asked to surrender my boots for closer inspection i sat in a nearby chair and just put my feet up like the guy was a shoe salesman. i calmly and politely explained that i understood how the evisceration of my rights seemed to be a prerequisite to flying home that day... but that i'd be damned if i was going to help the process along.

                could all just be foolishness, though... since all that it has seemed to result in is my name being included on a "closely scrutinize ID" list. that's not a joke. i no longer can successfully check-in with my e-ticket at those kiosk machines. i have to shuffle through the long-ass line and get to the counter, at which point the conversation tends to go like this...
                me: hi, i'm checking in for my flight
                airline staffer: alright, sir. let's see <tap> <tap> <tap> ok, looks like everything is in order with your ticket. do you have ID with you today?
                me: <grumble> yeah.
                airline staffer: can you prove that?
                me: yes.
                airline staffer: ...
                me: is there anything else? may i have my boarding pass now?
                airline staffer: i'm waiting to see your ID.
                me: well, you didn't ask for it. you asked if i could prove i had one. which i could... if the need arose.
                airline staffer: may i see -
                me: yeah, yeah, yeah. <ID blah blah>
                airline staffer: ok, then. here you go.
                me: thank you. by the way, why didn't the automated kiosk like my information? i booked an e-ticket to save time and yet it insisted that i stand in this long line for 45 minutes and speak to one of you.
                airline staffer: i don't know. your reservation seemed in order.
                me: well, i'll just wait here while you get someone who does know.
                airline staffer: pardon me?
                me: your superior. or anyone else who can tell me what the problem was.
                airline staffer: uhm...
                me: i'd like to know why i was sent over here without, as you put it, any reason.
                airline staffer: you may have just pushed the wrong button on the machine.
                me: there were no buttons to push. i hadn't made any selections yet. i inserted a card in order for the machine to read my name electronically. it asked me if i was who i was and if i was travelling where i was travelling. as soon as i hit "yes" i produced the message demanding i speak to you. are you saying i had difficulty pressing a huge "yes" when there were only two buttons on the screen?
                airline staffer: i don't know, sir.
                me: whatever. <heads to terminal>

                god damnit, i long for sanity and true security not based around phony measures like showing ID and taking off one's footwear. btw, quigon, great party friday night.
                "I'll admit I had an OiNK account and frequented it quite often… What made OiNK a great place was that it was like the world's greatest record store… iTunes kind of feels like Sam Goody to me. I don't feel cool when I go there. I'm tired of seeing John Mayer's face pop up. I feel like I'm being hustled when I visit there, and I don't think their product is that great. DRM, low bit rate, etc... OiNK it existed because it filled a void of what people want."
                - Trent Reznor


                • #9
                  What got me irked this trip was TSA Golden Retrivers asking for my boarding pass every five feet at the security checkpoint, I know better than to give them lip, but I really felt like asking the last TSA twit overpumped on that Starbucks Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino he was sucking on to ask the TSA drone sitting next to the X-Ray machine if my boarding pass has changed any since 30 seconds ago?

                  On our way out of Vegas it was discovered we had missed our plane. We rescheduled, and upgraded to first class. Perhaps because we missed our first one, or perhaps because first class is closer to the flight deck, we had to enter the "special line."

                  This is the line where they take everything away from you after it goes through the xray machine. One agent takes it all while another holds you behind a line/rope until the first agent is safely at the table, 5 feet away as tho you were going to jump over and gouge her eye out with that spoon you have hidden up your ass that didnt set off the detector already.

                  You are then waved through to the table and told to sit down, 3 feet away, while the agent paws thru your stuff. Your boarding pass is taken away from you at the beginning of this process and is passed from agent to agent beginning with the one standing with his back to you waiting for your stuff to be duly picked up by the next available hells helper.

                  The table is 15 feet long and accommodated approx 5 groups of people undergoing this demeaning procedure. Your boarding pass is checked by every agent it passes thru, as tho it had changed, magically, thru being handled by the previous TSA agent, no less than 10 seconds ago. The lady teling me which leg to hold up and which leg to place behind me spoke to me as tho I were a 2 year old. "Ok, now , raise your right leg, thats the one over here, honey. Very goood!"

                  Yeah, I felt so much safer in my world and on my plane.....
                  "They-Who-Were-Google are no longer alone. Now we are all Google."


                  • #10
                    I always like to hear storys like this and know i'm not alone. i have no good storys like this for my trip back from con. just Blowing up 88.1 FM on lap tops and watching as people next to us tuned into our broadcast of happyhardcore


                    • #11
                      Personally, I like the british response.......they don't have any groups like ACLU to be annoyed by and they can and do profile hence their success in finding the bad guys. I currently work for TSA and if I could find a local job that paid 15 and hour I'd take it.....but around where I am there isn't much for somone who hasn't finished college yet, so alas I stay least until i can get re-enlisted with the army. I agree with most that our tight security searches of old white ladies and taking stupid things like nail files and scissors and lighters and such can be asinine but we don't exactly set the standards.....we're just the helpless peons doing what we're told. For the most part....i'd say that 80% of the employees at an airport, be it TSA, any airline, vendors and such are pretty clueless. I like to read and it helps pass the break times. I don't carry a backpack btw, so needless to say the day I brought in my copy of Art of Intrusion and a recent 2600...and...someone seen it.....I was talked to. I'm no longer allowed to use the computers at work for fear that I'm going to release classified info to the public......but yet I still hold a security clearance......go figure. Anyways....just so you know.....even us TSAer's hate TSA.

                      PS......I like to annoy the hell out of other airports when I travel, but i tend to be a little soft-hearted and sympathize occasionally.


                      • #12
                        TSA is not the issue.


                        I would be totally screwed if I were to even THINK of taking a flight right now.
                        The attack on London was posted something like an hour beforehand.
                        So, I being the idiot that I am, not only post my concern, I talk on 2 meters about it.
                        The questions of where I was this last weekend take on special meanings.
                        So, in a a nutshell, I am fucked for at least a few months to years.
                        Rule # 1, talk about the shit AFTER it happens!


                        • #13
                          Personally when traveling to US, I am alwais been a good guy I even wear a disguise

                          Only thing is I travel with a Large backpack as my carry on, they really hate those because they know how hard they are to search and pack back.

                          Best time ever:
                          I was sent to the search line and they, the when the guy saw my bag he tell me to go to the other guy, the other guy did't wanted to search it either, so they let me go.

                          worst time ever:
                          Last time I really had trouble was when flying back from San Diego(toorcon), they searched me for like 10 minute becauses I was trigering the metal detector. They body searched me about everywhere (excecpt 2 well defined spot), searched my hair and everything, they then let me go. My conclusion was that it was probably Flea Habanero Rum probably still in my body that was making the metal detector triger.
                          /* NO COMMENT */


                          • #14
                            Dealing with airport security:

                            Best time ever: On Guam I had to put all my metal through the x-ray machine. That included the M-16 I was carrying. The M-16 everyone was carrying.

                            Worst time ever: They thought my ID looked like a throwing star so they did not let me on. GRRRR.


                            • #15
                              Astcell, perhaps next time you should tape your poster "poolgirl" on your chest!

                              I am sure that will make the trip interesting :)

                              You were right, life is not the same after seen it!
                              Love is a Mental Illness